Cannonball

Earlier someone was humming “Sing Hosanna”, the hymn. What a brilliant song, so I sang it, but couldnt remember the words. I went with: Give me joy in my heart keep me…burning. Everyone mocked me. BURNING? BURNING?! You have been listening to too much death rock. Death rock, yesss someone said that.

Anyway, I looked up the lyrics, and there is a verse that says “give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning”. So HAH! in yer face. Brilliant song. My favourite song as a nipper was “Shine Jesus Shine”. Does the Devil really have the best tunes? I am not yet convinced. I declared I would be going to church this Sunday so as to investigate further. I got told this wasnt appropriate and I can’t just go to church for the songs. Heck yes I can, it’s a slow conversion, I said. To be honest, I’m not going to go to church, but I told people that I approved of Jesus. I dunno if I was lying.

I think I mentioned horoscopes the other day, so whilst I am questioning my faith, I thought I would investigate these also, and the description of myself made me HONK.  Hilarious.

Cancers are cute. They pretend to be tough but it’s all an act. They have great memories and lots of them are good at history. They love anything old, like museums, antiques and your grandmother. They are fairly secretive and hide things - food in their drawers and cupboards for instance. They stay pretty close to home, are extremely psychic, have a great sense of humour and are the world’s best cooks. They collect things. Other people call this garbage but to them it’s gold…you’d never find a Cancerian throwing a garage sale.

Let’s have a looksie eh? I am the furthest thing from cute I have ever known. I really am tough, honest, it’s not an act, but I do cry a bit. I do have an excellent memory and I fully approve of history. I do like old stuff, and I do like grandmothers. Not yours though. I am dead honest and open, or I think I am, but I do secrete things around my house I guess. I do really long for a home. In the past I have been convinced I was psychic, then settled on just being convinced I was intuitive and SMART. Obvvzz I have an ace sense of humour and I ruddy love cooking. I do collect and hoarde, and yes everyone else things my belongings are rubbish.

So in conclusion, err well, there isn’t one, it’s nonsense isnt it!?
I would totally love to have my fortune told or something like that. My friend Louise once did my tarot cards, but I think maybe I was drunk because I cant remember what they said.

I don’t think I really need to believe in anything though do I?  What a lot of rubbish. I just mostly try and be a good person, but if heaven exists, and I don’t get to go, then I am okay with that because, well I deserve it for not believing. If those are the rules, I accept them.

A man just asked me why I work in an office when I should obviously be in the countryside with chickens and vegetables. It’s only because I discussed growing prize winning parsnips with him. Yesterday he told me I should be in agricultural college, and today he told me I should be running a garden centre. I don’t really like chickens that much anyway.

I am trying to distract myself from a gloomy cloud that just wont shit off. Why are people so awkward?

Oh my  gosh, I can’t believe it.
The WEIRDEST news ever.

I really, really do think it is bad  to find comfort in other peoples misfortune, and I definitely try to avoid that. However, sometimes things happen that really make karma seem convincing. This time though karma has grabbed me by the hair, shoved me into a wall and whispered menacingly in my ear DO YOU BELIEVE ME NOW?! yess yesss I doooo. And I am grateful you exist! Thank you for putting the world right again.

I have probably said before how I like to believe my horoscopes, when it suits me. Yeahh well it’s been suiting me lately. When I did that confidence and positive behaviour course, it said something about realisations and changing the course of my life. Well, I think I did that, just a small bit, by saying out loud to some people ” I am in the wrong job”. I have said it before, yesss, to my mum and so on. But it made it seem more real.

And yesterday, the Sunday Times Style horoscopes said that I was to open up discussions, no matter how awful I thought they might turn out, and that it would probably work out best in the long run, to let people have their say. Now, I do believe that your fate is in your own hands, and you make your own destiny and things like that. But in times of crisis, I am happy to hang on to whatever is there to hang on to quite frankly. And that is why I mostly kept calm. Until the pain and ridiculousness and the just plain heartbreak got too much, and I cried a bit. And then I shoved my face right in my pillow because sobs were starting to leak out. I just never, ever want that to happen again. But also, I really hope that things HAVE worked out in the long run.

Right, so despite talk of karma and horoscopes, I still maintain I am a highly practical person. So I have started scribbling on bits of paper, trying to make a plan. The first bit is money. Shid off Pension! I am gonna be well dead before I am old, so that is no problem. Thanks anyway. The second bit is work. I do find it terrible a lot of the time. But it’s kind of the only option right now, so deal with it you massive girl. So I have been working out how to make extra hours up, so that I can have an extra four hours “leave” a month, which might just come in the most handy thing ever should I want to squeeze in extra boyfriend-ness.

Life is hard right, but I am quite determined sometimes. And this bit of determination is going to go on making the most of the happy bits, and trying to not dwell on the awful bits. Get fugged awful bits.

Did I go on a bit? Wanna know more about shoes instead?!

I tell you what is not fine. Shoes made out of that jelly plastic.

You know the stuff I mean.

These however, are fine.

They are from Topshop. I wear a size Seven. Do you want my address?

Mine’s a pint.

Lately I have been giving a lot of thought to loyalty and friendships, and trying to find some answers and solutions. And the only one I have come up with so far is running away and not dealing with feelings or heartbreak. I do take friendships pretty seriously, and I guess I have different levels of friendships, ranging from the most intense, mega love, down to not much more than casual aquaintences, much the same as anyone really I assume.

Well, I kind of have it pretty straight in my head what I will and wont tolerate from people. But the bit I struggle dealing with is when people fall (sometimes drastically) short of what I expect from a friendship, how to deal with it. I know Len Wheatley is brutal when it comes to that part and just cuts people out, but gosh that is hard sometimes. However, I do sort of feel you cant have a fulfilling friendship with someone when you cant trust them, and they put your feelings second because your upset is the lesser of two evils.

I should probably feel lucky that Alice and Dave stick up for me when and where they can, and that is more than many people have.  I try really hard to understand other points of view other than my own in a lot of situations, but I keep on coming back to the same place; that I am sickened and saddened by the cowardice that some people exhibit. I don’t even want drama, or cross words or ultimatums or anything like that. I just want a few words, just saying “I don’t think that is fine”, or “I am not going along with that anymore”. But it doesnt happen. Some people I expect it from now, but its the people that you want to hear those words from the most, that it never comes from.

In the last week I have felt a lot of disappointment and a  lot of it is really hard to put into words, so, for once I am probably not even going to try.

I feel really, really down. I know I have some things to be grateful for, I am just struggling to see them right now.

I know that I said I knew what I was getting myself into when I said I wanted to go out with Chris, and that long distance relationships are fine, and I have had them before, and in fact I might even like it better this way. I think I must have been kidding myself, or this is somehow different than ever before. Because it hurts, really, really badly. All of the weeks and day until I see him again seem unbearable, and I can’t stand the thought of them. But that doesnt work, does it’? I can’t stand the thought of.. days.. happening? That’s nonsense.

I am going to get under a blanket with Linda and watch a TV show about Queen Victoria. Albert has typhoid fever. Uh-oh.

Tomorrow, Gilly & I are going to watch The Worst Film Ever. In fact, I don’t even know what it’s called. It’s got Clint Eastwood in it, making gun actions with his fingers at Chinese people. Obviously. I dunno the storyline, or to be honest, if there even is one. I am looking forward to it though, as last week I didn’t find the cinema terrible. Maybe I even liked it. I have just never liked sitting in a dark room with strangers making noises and being all close and inconsiderate. Apart from a mouth-breather behind us, I didn’t even mind the people. Except Gilly, who mocked my tiny kids tray of popcorn and seven sweets.

To be fair, we had just been to the most militant All You Can Eat Chinese restaurant ever. They threaten to charge you an extra £3 per plate of uneaten food. Well what constitutes a plateful?! If I left just two deep fried babycorns would I be penalised?! It’s a mine field! A Chow Mein field. Does that work? I say yeah. Either way I ate a shit load, including some cake made out of air and a tiny bit of cream. It was really nice. And Gilly broke the ice cream machine and ran away. Bet that cost more than £3 to fix.

This week I have been really glum you know. And the main reason for it was the realisation that I am positive & confident. Oh contradictions, why do you penetrate my life so? I can’t even begin to explain here, but I am just in the wrong place, and the right place is far away and indistinguishable. What I want is to see fields out of my bedroom window, not be told when I have to eat my lunch, and to be able to work late and get up late, and to have cats sitting by my feet while I do it. And I want to not have to care about money. Money! You are awful, go away! The only times I think mmmm money is when I want something I don’t need, but I realise I can afford anyway. High Heels for example. They make me happy, but I don’t need them, and it feels frivolous and brilliant to get some. The rest of the time all money is doing is laughing at me and going BET YOU WISH YOU HAD MORE OF ME?! No, actually, I wish you’d shit off.

At seven minutes past midnight last night, errr this morning, I rang the speaking clock. Yesterday was Kimberly Walsh and her TING TING TING, and the day before was Cheryl Cole with a her filth-bag voice, so I had my fingers crossed for Harding. Come on, I want some lovely luck, tell me the time Harding, give it to me, give it to me now. Do you know who it ruddy was?! Shitting Barlow. Oh my gosh! He is the WORST smug man ever. I think Ryan Clark likes him. What does Ryan Clark know eh? He knows nothing when it comes to the right kind of smug, I tell you that.

I think it’s fair to say that 8 weeks is a reasonably long time. A lot can happen in eight weeks. I reckon some animals can make babies happen in eight weeks. Not elephants though, they take about three years don’t they? I am glad I don’t have to wait an elephants pregancy for anything currently. But anyway, eight weeks is nearly over, and I get to kiss my boyfriend right on the face in just a few days. Well, eight weeks ago, he wasn’t my boyfriend, so really, a lot does happen in eight weeks. Eight weeks ago, I liked my hair better than I do now. Eight weeks is almost 1/6 of the year gone already. Stopp ittttt. Just be happy it’s nearly all gone and soon I can start thinking in hours rather than days or weeks.

Tomato soup. It’s well good isn’t it?!

Shit, I well love Charlie & The Chocolate Factory.

Right, Bestie was just doing a moan, as if I am hard to buy presents for. I ruddy fucking love presents. Mostly buying them, but getting them is really totally brilliant too. It is only four months (exactly) until my birthday, so it’s worth starting to think about what you are going to buy me probably about now. I have gotten Alice a brilliant birthday present, but it’s not here yet, which is terrible. And yesterday I bought Bestie a tiny present that made me really happy, and although I have no use for it myself, I have enjoyed playing with it and taking it apart and putting it back together thinking “CLEVER”.

Here is some stuff I would like in my life:

A Trophy.
Today Ryan told me I was the least wimpy person he knew, or something like that. I asked for an award that said that…and he just ignored me. So I tried Swifty and he seemed to think this was an absurd idea, especially when I said I had never won any prizes in real life. He said he found that hard to believe and that if it was true then my competitive streak was MISPLACED and I should take up a sport. FUCK THAT. I dont want to have to do sport to win a prize. I hate sport. I just want a tiny cup that says I am the best at something. Unfortunately I have no clue what I am the best at, apart from being non-wimpy. But I think he was just being nice actually, I am kind of wimpy.. especially at Ryan. BOO HOO THERE’S A RAT. BOO HOO MY FINGGERRR. BOO HOO MY HEART ACHES. I am tougher than him though I guess, so give me a ruddy trophy.

Lady Luck Rules OK- Personalised Russian Doll Necklace.
Heck yesss!

Go on, imagine that with my name on it! R.E.B.E.C.C.A. Oh how my heart aches for that to be real life. It’s 100% better looking than a Vivienne Westwood pendant (but I still maintain that is pretty fit).

Stella McCartney Peony Perfume
It reminds me of being brilliant and a bit powerful. This French man gave me some. I had no romantic intentions toward him at ALL, and I didnt think he did towards me either. I met him last year at Hellfest as he is a journalist, and Mick thought it amusing how he gazed at me adoringly from a distance for ages. When he eventually came over to say hiya a spider fell from the ceiling and went down my top.  I am fairly sure he didnt fancy me after he’d seen me fish an arachnid out of my cleavage. Anyway, the perfume is brilliant, I love it.

Frost French Russian Doll Underwear Set from Debenhams.

This Russian Doll theme works for me.. stick with it. Look at themmmmm. I am sure boys would go urrkrkk and think that it’s just not sexy. Well, hang onnnn, I’m just not sexy either, so buy ‘em for me and look at my brilliant happy face.

A Mulberry (Roxanne) Bag.

Now let me tell you about Mulberrys. They are handsome to look at, they are sturdy and they are expensive. Oh I like those qualities in a .. bag. Since I basically discovered I could distract people with accessories, I have been a big fan of bags. My mum really is too, but now I live far from her, I can’t take advantage of this as much. When she is gripped by Fiorelli fever I could easily slip a nifty handbag into her grasp for her to gleefully pay for, which she has done many-a-time, hence that massive ruddy box of handbags in my bedroom. I currently use a £4 Primark bag that I bought in red and Alice bought in black, well over two years ago.

Anyway, I have long lusted over a Mulberry and it is no secret. Imagine my DISGUST, HORROR and the sheer REJECTION when my dad bought my sister a dusky pink Mulberry bag. She showed it to me and declared it ugly. I could have wept! I probably did weep. It was ugly, it’s a totally horrible colour. It’s in my kitchen now. I think she took pity on my slowly breaking heart and tried to stick it back together with an unwanted handbag. You can’t just go buying expensive handbags willynilly for people, you have to know what they like. Just like you can’t go buying expensive jewellry for people without knowing what they like.. hence why I have a £500+ ring in a tiny box over there. Ouch. Anyway, I am trying to learn to love the colour, so it gets some use and love. The handbag, not the ring.

One time a man implied that if I had sex with him, he would give me his Mulberry man-bag. If there was any way I could have done that without, you know, actually touching him, I probably would have. He was grosssss.

A Date With Glenn Danzig.
Yessss! He’s gonna be on Rock Of Love! I wanna win a date with him! It makes me really, really annoyed when I mention Danzig and people go hurrr hurrr have you seen that video of that guy knocking him out?! Yes, I have, and that man is now dead, did you know that?! DID YOU?! WELL HE IS! AND DO YOU KNOW WHY? It’s cos he punched Glenn Danzig in his absurd and yet handsome face. Glenn has the same birthday as me, this in itself is evidence we will have stuff to chat about. Ohh what did you do for your birthday last year? Ate a bowl of death out of a goats skull in the middle of a barren desert…you? Oh I did karaoke at a chinese restaurant in Leeds. See.
Failing that I would like this:

But washed hundreds of times so it’s all faded and brilliant.

Beautiful Art Prints, right in my face.
Lempicka, Mucha and Klimt were my favourite artists when I was at school.
These are my favourites by each of them, mostly predictable, but I care not.

Girl With Gloves
I would like to take this opportunity to praise Tamara for being a scandalous slut back in the day. Yessss.

Dance

The Kiss
I did a whole project on Klimt for my GCSE art. I got given a Klimt frieze. Ohh I am actually not going to talk about that, it was weird and makes me think about stuff I don’t wanna!

A Tiny Holiday
I don’t even wanna go far. I would like to go to the countryside and sleep in a bed with massive pillows. And read books. And maybe touch some animals. I would like it to be acceptable to wear a massive jumper and leg warmers and drink neat Ameretto. And maybe have someone squeeze my feet, professionally or otherwise.

Metallic Shoes.
I need some. How am I ever gonna be a rapper with out some bling on  my toots?
The closest I can find online to the dream shoe is this:

That ugly ankle strap can shit off though, I’d have a nice big gold bow instead. Thanks.

Any of this stuff:
PENS! NOTEBOOKS! TOFFIFEE! oh gosh! they sell Toffifee in POUNDLAND now, I nearly sicked down myself. Instead I bought a box and ate it in the bath. RUM RUM RUM,. Golden half-gloves, Make Up.

Mostly the best presents are words. Words and trophies.  Only if you mean them both, you idiots.

I didnt put one single lewd present, there are plenty I would like.

I definitely made the rum too strong. Alice went home in disgust. I have sort of drunk hers too.

 I am cold, so im gonna get in the bath, then get in my new reinforced bed that I paid a man £15 to correct. He had a mark on his forehead and likes the scouts. Thanks Laurie.

SEEE YERRR.

Yesterday I got a double chocolate brownie from the WI in Chester. And a boyfriend. I got them both within the space of 60 seconds and my limbs went wobbly. I could put this down to the EXTREME sugar content in those brownies..seriously, you can see it, you can actually see the sugar granuals. Liz Mogg makes them (I don’t know her). I am gonna go to Chester (on a Friday) and shake her frail hand. I am in awe of them.

You don’t even care about brownies (I do), you probably want scandal. I wouldn’t say it was scandalous but it was traumatic. If I could have shaken myself in the last 48 hours I would have done, I would probably have deserved it, but it would also only have made me cry more. Yeah, hells bells, I cried LOADS. Yesterday, I cried when I was walking to work; I cried whilst I was in work, sat at my desk; I cried on my lunch break sitting on a wall; I cried on the way home from work. A small tear even leaked out when I was chopping garlic in Swiftys kitchen. Do you get the jist here? Before amazing delight and happiness came some extreme sadness and confusion.

I don’t really cry that much these days, but I have no shame in that I cry when I am sad. That’s fine I reckon, because I laugh a lot too. I laugh when I am happy and I cry when I am sad. That is fine. I cried a lot when I was young though. I am going to ask my mum about that tonight now, what on earth was I so sad about?! Did I have a traumatic childhood and I have blocked it out?!

On Monday, three different men told me I was brilliant, in three different ways. Only one of these conversations didn’t make me cry. That one just made me massively smug. And then I drank some bourbon and made a video of the hags and bats leaving Children of Bodom at the Academy. I am running out of steam to tell you about Cannibal Corpse, but they were good. I never ever thought I would see Cannibal Corpse, I dunno why. I imagine they arent that different to how they were 10 years ago. Oh actually now I have heaps to say about them, but I feel like I have said a lot already. Whilst I was watching them, Michael asked me a question and I responded with “Jyeaaaaaah”. About five seconds later GCF shouted JYEAAAAAH into the microphone. Hello Echo.

That’s a lot of writing.

Gosh I am really chuffed today. I have a dead handsome boyfriend and I just got told I was allowed to hang out with donkeys WHENEVER I WANT.

My feet hurt today. I wore brilliant yet inappropriate shoes to walk into Headingley yesterday. I had a lovely time and a blind date. Shakez! Also! I saw Hank, Arlo, JM & LB! I ruddy love Henry Newsome. He is so very not stupid at all, and tells me regularly that I haven’t delivered his Christmas presents yet. I realised I’d left them at home when I was half way to Headingley, so hastily bought some cars to placate the gingers. It only just worked. But that’s fine, Henry has decided he is moving in with me. He kind of wanted to come last night but I convinced him that staying with his family was more appropriate. I think it was largely the close proximity of my house to the local swimming pool which was appealing to him. That, and I told him we would only eat pizza and I would carry him everywhere in a tiny basket. He asked me to kiss him goodnight and totally put his tongue right in my mouth and licked my face! What a rotter! Arrgh!

Being back at work is rubbish. That is a fact.

Tonight I am going to Manchester, kind of with a stranger. Well, I have met him twice, he seems nice enough and he clearly has a car, which is a benefit to all concerned. I have guestlist to see Cannibal Corpse. Holy Cow! Fair enoughhh, I don’t get to go (disem)bowling with them, but apparently I am granted delightful access to the VIP bar. I wonder if Corpsegrinder likes Ameretto Sours as much as I do? Only one way to find out I guess. Oh yeah, Children of Bodom are actually headlining, but I am not so bothered about them… have I named my cat after anyone from CoB? I think ruddy not.

I thought that this week would be bleak and empty, but so far, it is not, and it’s filling up pretty fast. I need for that to not happen actually, so that I have time to eat bean sprouts, and step on things, and typetypetype. Oh, does anyone just see the word PET when I write that? My friend Alan used to sign his art work alanalanalanalan. What other word can you read there? Exactly.

In two weeks today, I will likely be beyond excited. Two weeks is hardly any time. Well, it’s certainly a bearable amount of time. Its about a third of the amount of time I have already waited. So, will be a quarter of the time I wait in total. Time eh?! What a nonsense. Time & Geography, why do you hate me so? I want to do a cuddle so much that my arms ache a bit.

Oh well. I cum blood.

Bye!

Where did all the time go? For serious, I need a bit extra. I really don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I am going to get agitated by work again soon, I can feel it bubbling up. Bubble off. And no Alice-Mail this week. Ouchhh.

I think I forgot to write in here for a bit, and I think people forgot to read it too, so really, it’s no great loss.

I have a new (only slightly wobbly, and not actually new) bed. I like being in it, a lot. I even bought new bedding which feels nice on my skin. It’s not leopard print silk, but it probably should be. Why don’t I own bedding of that description?!

Anyway, the more something is important in my life the more I want to just hold on to it for just me. Knob off basically, I am not spilling no beans here. I could tell you, but I doubt you would care, and it would just gush out all over. gush gush gush.

The lesbians across the road gave each other tulips for Valentines Day. I got some glumness and a good chat. I think it works out okay, and just about in my favour.

I feel overwhelmed by work. By underwhelming bands, that I have to make sound appealing. Help me! Help me!  I am lost and in too deep.

Today I made a pun about a sick horse. You know it already don’t you? Horse-pital.
Yep! Standard punning, but nonetheless, a good pun.
A girl in my office laughed SO much, it was insane.

HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHZHAHAHAKWHDJHS BECKY YOU ARE SO FUNNY! SOOOOO FUNNNYYYY HAHAAHAHAHAAHAHA.

I thought she was being mean and taking the piss out of my lame (horse) joke, til I saw she was basically sobbing with glee.

Last night I got told off a bit, and I cried. It was rubbish and I felt like a massive horrible person. I still do, even though I have been instructed not to. Some things are hard to explain, and ILIKEYOUILIKEYOUILIKEYOUILIKEYOU doesnt seem like it will do the trick. I stayed awake til gone half five just basically thinking I AM AN IDIOT. Right now I would choose to kiss him over any other man ever, except maybe Patrick Bateman. But as Patrick Bateman isn’t real, I guess NBF wins. Anyway, I only like Bateman because he likes Genesis and I have seen what he can do with a wire coat hanger….

I am definitely going to be in bed before midnight because tomorrow I am in charge of my first ever exam committee. If I were a bit of a lesser person I would be scared. LUCKILY I am pretty fearless. phewww.

Listen, I know Madonna is offensive these days, but I used to really love her a lot. All the way up to that Confessions on a Dancefloor one I reckon, just about. That one appealed to me because she was clever (it was clever, not lazy, right!) and obviously used parts of other songs musically, but also lyrically. Are you familiar with the duet she did with Prince?! Love Song. It’s brilliant! I totally love it, and she reuses some of the lyrics on that Confessions.. album. Speaking of Prince duets, that one he did with No Doubt is also BRILLIANT! I might listen to it right now. Oh hang on! That album wasnt all good, by any means. I remember listening to it in my mums house for the first time and cringing at the lyrics.

Oh! Same with American Life! I thought that album was mostly… funny, it has some wierd rap/chant/fast speaking thing which I learned off by heart for Alan one time. Oh how we LOL’d. Anyway, I was just going to say Ray Of Light, that’s a good album. Sky Fits Heaven was one of my most favourite songs for a long, long time.

Right, I am gonna do a rap, then listen to that Prince song, then I am gonna put some washing on. Domestic piss.