Oh, I dunno what the point is really. Just, friendships are weird.
Right now, I am massively lonely.
Maybe because I moved around so much when I was younger, having friends around me all the time wasn’t so important, but now I really think it might be. But it’s like I’m too late, and everyone has already got that bit of their lives sorted. Surely that can’t be true? Well it feels like it anyway. I am just an afterthought, and sometimes not even that, and I am just totally forgotten. Don’t think I haven’t questioned whether this is my own fault and whether I am just repellent or repugnant or something. But what if I am?! I can’t see how I can change a whole lot; I think I am a good friend. I am demonstrative, and loyal and honest. It matters to me to do what I say I’m going to do for my friends, but I guess everyone is only human.
Anyway, right now, I SEEM to be being ignored, and ouch it hurts. Some people treated me like a mug, I protested, and now I appear to be being badly snubbed. As ever though, I am not going to back down, because I absolutely believe in what I am saying. I have tried to see things from other peoples points of view, I always do. And I can’t work out what is going on. I am starting to feel paranoid too, that everyone else knows something that I don’t. But that’s ridiculous, my conscience is clear. So, I guess if I have to be lonely, I have to be lonely.
I am glad I am going to see my mother this weekend. Oh unconditional love, why are you so elusive? I am going to see my uncle tonight also. He is pretty funny, massively loud and he has a moustache. Also, on Friday, all being well, I am going to see Martin Ives, whom I have basically loved since I met him. I have always, always been grateful for his friendship, even when he has made me cry, and even when he has been so drunk I had to hold him up whilst he was spitting in the street. Mostly because he’s honest. And he lets me speak to his mum on the phone sometimes. One of the best things that has probably ever happened in my life is going in a rikshaw on my 24th birthday around London with Martin Ives. Boyyyy did that guys legs have to work hard with us in the back.
Now Alice is gone, I have a fear of being locked out of my house, really massively.
I bought some new underwear yesterday. And some chicken pakora for my lunch today, which I helpfully left in my fridge.
