Cannonball

Right, Bestie was just doing a moan, as if I am hard to buy presents for. I ruddy fucking love presents. Mostly buying them, but getting them is really totally brilliant too. It is only four months (exactly) until my birthday, so it’s worth starting to think about what you are going to buy me probably about now. I have gotten Alice a brilliant birthday present, but it’s not here yet, which is terrible. And yesterday I bought Bestie a tiny present that made me really happy, and although I have no use for it myself, I have enjoyed playing with it and taking it apart and putting it back together thinking “CLEVER”.

Here is some stuff I would like in my life:

A Trophy.
Today Ryan told me I was the least wimpy person he knew, or something like that. I asked for an award that said that…and he just ignored me. So I tried Swifty and he seemed to think this was an absurd idea, especially when I said I had never won any prizes in real life. He said he found that hard to believe and that if it was true then my competitive streak was MISPLACED and I should take up a sport. FUCK THAT. I dont want to have to do sport to win a prize. I hate sport. I just want a tiny cup that says I am the best at something. Unfortunately I have no clue what I am the best at, apart from being non-wimpy. But I think he was just being nice actually, I am kind of wimpy.. especially at Ryan. BOO HOO THERE’S A RAT. BOO HOO MY FINGGERRR. BOO HOO MY HEART ACHES. I am tougher than him though I guess, so give me a ruddy trophy.

Lady Luck Rules OK- Personalised Russian Doll Necklace.
Heck yesss!

Go on, imagine that with my name on it! R.E.B.E.C.C.A. Oh how my heart aches for that to be real life. It’s 100% better looking than a Vivienne Westwood pendant (but I still maintain that is pretty fit).

Stella McCartney Peony Perfume
It reminds me of being brilliant and a bit powerful. This French man gave me some. I had no romantic intentions toward him at ALL, and I didnt think he did towards me either. I met him last year at Hellfest as he is a journalist, and Mick thought it amusing how he gazed at me adoringly from a distance for ages. When he eventually came over to say hiya a spider fell from the ceiling and went down my top.  I am fairly sure he didnt fancy me after he’d seen me fish an arachnid out of my cleavage. Anyway, the perfume is brilliant, I love it.

Frost French Russian Doll Underwear Set from Debenhams.

This Russian Doll theme works for me.. stick with it. Look at themmmmm. I am sure boys would go urrkrkk and think that it’s just not sexy. Well, hang onnnn, I’m just not sexy either, so buy ‘em for me and look at my brilliant happy face.

A Mulberry (Roxanne) Bag.

Now let me tell you about Mulberrys. They are handsome to look at, they are sturdy and they are expensive. Oh I like those qualities in a .. bag. Since I basically discovered I could distract people with accessories, I have been a big fan of bags. My mum really is too, but now I live far from her, I can’t take advantage of this as much. When she is gripped by Fiorelli fever I could easily slip a nifty handbag into her grasp for her to gleefully pay for, which she has done many-a-time, hence that massive ruddy box of handbags in my bedroom. I currently use a £4 Primark bag that I bought in red and Alice bought in black, well over two years ago.

Anyway, I have long lusted over a Mulberry and it is no secret. Imagine my DISGUST, HORROR and the sheer REJECTION when my dad bought my sister a dusky pink Mulberry bag. She showed it to me and declared it ugly. I could have wept! I probably did weep. It was ugly, it’s a totally horrible colour. It’s in my kitchen now. I think she took pity on my slowly breaking heart and tried to stick it back together with an unwanted handbag. You can’t just go buying expensive handbags willynilly for people, you have to know what they like. Just like you can’t go buying expensive jewellry for people without knowing what they like.. hence why I have a £500+ ring in a tiny box over there. Ouch. Anyway, I am trying to learn to love the colour, so it gets some use and love. The handbag, not the ring.

One time a man implied that if I had sex with him, he would give me his Mulberry man-bag. If there was any way I could have done that without, you know, actually touching him, I probably would have. He was grosssss.

A Date With Glenn Danzig.
Yessss! He’s gonna be on Rock Of Love! I wanna win a date with him! It makes me really, really annoyed when I mention Danzig and people go hurrr hurrr have you seen that video of that guy knocking him out?! Yes, I have, and that man is now dead, did you know that?! DID YOU?! WELL HE IS! AND DO YOU KNOW WHY? It’s cos he punched Glenn Danzig in his absurd and yet handsome face. Glenn has the same birthday as me, this in itself is evidence we will have stuff to chat about. Ohh what did you do for your birthday last year? Ate a bowl of death out of a goats skull in the middle of a barren desert…you? Oh I did karaoke at a chinese restaurant in Leeds. See.
Failing that I would like this:

But washed hundreds of times so it’s all faded and brilliant.

Beautiful Art Prints, right in my face.
Lempicka, Mucha and Klimt were my favourite artists when I was at school.
These are my favourites by each of them, mostly predictable, but I care not.

Girl With Gloves
I would like to take this opportunity to praise Tamara for being a scandalous slut back in the day. Yessss.

Dance

The Kiss
I did a whole project on Klimt for my GCSE art. I got given a Klimt frieze. Ohh I am actually not going to talk about that, it was weird and makes me think about stuff I don’t wanna!

A Tiny Holiday
I don’t even wanna go far. I would like to go to the countryside and sleep in a bed with massive pillows. And read books. And maybe touch some animals. I would like it to be acceptable to wear a massive jumper and leg warmers and drink neat Ameretto. And maybe have someone squeeze my feet, professionally or otherwise.

Metallic Shoes.
I need some. How am I ever gonna be a rapper with out some bling on  my toots?
The closest I can find online to the dream shoe is this:

That ugly ankle strap can shit off though, I’d have a nice big gold bow instead. Thanks.

Any of this stuff:
PENS! NOTEBOOKS! TOFFIFEE! oh gosh! they sell Toffifee in POUNDLAND now, I nearly sicked down myself. Instead I bought a box and ate it in the bath. RUM RUM RUM,. Golden half-gloves, Make Up.

Mostly the best presents are words. Words and trophies.  Only if you mean them both, you idiots.

I didnt put one single lewd present, there are plenty I would like.

I definitely made the rum too strong. Alice went home in disgust. I have sort of drunk hers too.

 I am cold, so im gonna get in the bath, then get in my new reinforced bed that I paid a man £15 to correct. He had a mark on his forehead and likes the scouts. Thanks Laurie.

SEEE YERRR.