Cannonball

When the first text you receive in a day starts “Morning excellent tits”, you know it’s going to be a good day. And really, it mostly was.

Work is just going over my head a bit at the moment; I am in a dream. Some of it is getting done though, so it’s okay.

Steve has progressed from accents and now quotes Peepshow and Partridge at me to entertain me. He’s okay, not as good as me though.

Last night I emailed Justin Brannan. I thought of him, realised I probably first emailed him about NINE YEARS AGO. Felt well old, and thought ehh where is he now.. so I sent him an email going hiyaa dunno if you remember me… he replied just now calling me a knucklehead and saying of course he does! Awhh yeahhh!

I had a volcano of veg for my tea and looked at pigs!

Hang on.. I came here with a purpose, but it has gone. I am basically waffling.

Oh yeah! I had an accidental amazing chat earlier. It was two hours long. At one point it was awful and I felt like a mental… when I was told that if this other person had gone through my life that they would be in therapy. Not the band. That made me think  that perhaps I was in denial, and when I say pheewww lucky me, nothing that bad has ever happened to me, people are actually thinking OH! poor delusional becky. Ey well, ignorance is bliss.

Why didn’t I capitalise my name? That is one of my pet hates.

Just a couple of thoughts here right… how could someones life be so empty that they purchase “SKINS” for their tomtom featuring FUNNY celebrity voices?!?! How!? Explain it to me, how someone gets so bored when driving that they need to feel that Matt Lucas is there next to them telling them to take the third exit?! It has made me irrationally angry to think about the sort of person that would purchase such an item.

And you know this credit crunch? Nonsense. I started working here 1 year ago, I earn approximately £125 more a month than I did then. That is well good. I haven’t done anything special to deserve it. It’s just happened, and I like it. However, my expenses per month have probably doubled, due to being a singleton, cat loving spinster lone dweller.

Oh! My neighbours- the ones that can’t speak English and whom I think stole my mop (incidentally, a mop, not mine, just a mop, has been on the floor outside my front door for over a week now- is it a peace offering?!) have got a new living room light bulb. Why is this worth mentioning? Because it is the BRIGHTEST thing I have ever seen. It’s almost as bad as the neon blue outside A Team Property Management! It’s audacious!!! When I do the washing up, I can see the reflection of this NEON RADIOACTIVE BULB, casting light-shadows about the street. Tone it down fellas.

All the rest of this was written over two days.. What a lot of writing:

Jessica Dawn Geary tagged me in a note on Facebook, in which I am supposed to respond, tagging 25 other people (I think?), and write 25 “random” facts about myself.

I am going to do this today. And think about it hard. Just cos I am thinking about it hard, it doesn’t mean it will be any good. This week I have mostly been forcing Steve to do accents, mainly French, to keep me amused. Battersea Dogs Home. That’s my favourite so far.

1. When my grandparents gave me £2000, the first thing I did was go to Harley Street and have my ingrown toenail removed. It was good! Well, clearly not actually good having my foot sliced, but yeahhh. I was expecting to just go for a consultation, but they did it right then and there. I had a massive bandaged foot, which hurt a lotttt, so I rang my brother to come and rescue me, as I knew he was just finishing work. He didn’t. What a shit.

2. I make language up as I go along. And I think this is fine. And the reason I think this is fine is because I know, love and, indeed, respect language. Having said this, I do not condone outright abuse of the English language, namely text speak. Urjrrrhrjrhrjhlehsk. But see how I conveyed my feelings right there with just a bunch of letters. Clever eh? I do think you have to know the rules to break them. Also, cadjszh? I dunno.

3. I have lived in approximately 18 houses, and had approximately 18 jobs. EIGHTEEN. I blame the amount of jobs on the amount of houses, not all of which were voluntary moves.

4. I have approximately 70+ pairs of shoes. I really, really love shoes. I think, if I were being analytical, I would conclude that I don’t like my body and hattttte clothes shopping and think I look rubbish and fat in everything. However, shoes fit me, no matter how fat I look/feel. The most expensive pair I own are a pair Peter bought me, probably around this time last year from Dune. They are brilliant, but I hardly ever wear them. The pair I have had most fun in, is a pair from New Look I got at Christmas, which actually pierce holes in the lino in my kitchen with the heel, but also make me the right height for .. Ohh. Nevermind.

5. I ate macaroni cheese for my lunch. I have never attempted to make cheese sauce from scratch as an adult.

6. I really struggle to like the way I look. My face. So when I do like it, which does happen sometimes, I tell people. This probably makes me look really massively vain and big headed.

7. I have dyed my hair for well over ten years. I don’t actually know what my natural colour is. Yesterday, I offered to shave my head for charity, I don’t think I was even joking. I probably would. And I would get a whole new hair style (eventually). Imagine that!

8. When I went to see Fleetwood Mac, I cried when Stevie Nicks sang Gold Dust Woman.

9. I am a hoarder. And I established that this is because having so much STUFF around me makes me feel at home, because I don’t have an actual home. Boo hoo poor me. I mostly don’t mind mess, but sometimes it gets too much even for me. So I tidy up. But I stop before it gets too clean and shiny. In the past five years (or more?) I have never ever had every single item of clothing I own clean and put away. There actually probably isn’t enough space. I should probably throw some clothes away.

10. I really like books. I get upset by people who don’t read books at all, although I have been slacking on the book front for a year now. Dave seemed proud of the fact that he didn’t read much, so I bought him books about things he liked (Pink Floyd, Jeremy Clarkson, car manuals(!)), and now he reads of his own free will… sometimes.

11. Until I staged a chocolate contest at work, I never ate Boosts. Now I can’t imagine a life without them. Ohhh Boosts I love you.

12. One of the NICEST things that has ever happened to me, was a man I had never met buying me a print of a lady with horses for hair. Yeah! It’s better than it sounds. I was really sad one time, and he just sent me the print. I am gonna hang it above my bed, it’s been in a tube for TOO LONG.

13. I really like being rubbed, stroked and massaged. It’s not a sexual thing, but it can be if you like.. Wayheey! It just makes me feel totally happy and blissful. I really like being scratched too, not really hard or anything, just with nails, down my back. I told Jane how when I was little, if I got sad my mum would cuddle me and rub and scratch my back! Now she does it when Hen & Arlo are sad. Awhhhh you guysss.

14. I hate the end of lemons. The evil end.

15. I am learning to be a bit patient. This is true! Honest. There is a boy I really like you see, and geography prevents me from well, just kissing him whenever I fancy. I don’t think I have even sulked about it once. I might have gone WAAAHHHHHRRHH MARCH!! a couple of times but that’s it. This is stunning and amazing and I am impressed with myself. I just really badly do hate waiting though, it does my head in. However, I think I have successfully convinced myself he is worth the wait, and therefore, it’s all fine. Ahh yeah.

16. There is a cat I see on my way to work sometimes. I think it’s a boy. He looks like my cat, Linda, only bigger. I call him Big Linda. Alice has seen him. He does a brilliant miaow. It sounds like MOAOAOAW. And he leaps up. Leapy Linda.

17. I am going to get married in St Paul’s Cathedral. I haven’t ever really been one of those girls that plans their wedding and picks their kids names like forty years in advance or something. Soz if I’m taking life too seriously, but surely half the point of marriage is doing stuff, and living a life TOGETHER, and therefore making decisions together. RIGHT? Anyway, the St Paul’s bit is for real. It’s something to do with my step dads MBE. OBE.. Whichever is the not-as-good one, he has one of them, which means I can get married there. So I’m gonna. Alice suggested I arrive by speedboat down the Thames. I really liked that idea actually so maybe planning my non-existent wedding would be a good way to spend some of my time. Nahhh.

18. I’m probably too trusting, despite having a suspicious mind.

19. One time I cracked a boys ribs. On purpose. But I don’t consider myself a violent person, at alllll.

20. I can’t smoke! I could.. before. Now I choke, splutter and my eyes water. So, I only ever smoke if I am drunk to the point where nothing matters. It kills you anyway, I heard.

21.I have received flowers for my 21st and 24th birthday. I think that is it, from people outside of my family at least. The ones on my 21st birthday were roses, which Dave bought from the florists down the road. They were manky. It was a terrible day- I ended up crying in the spare room. The ones on my 24th were a massive surprise and were from Jane. I like flowers. I once bought flowers for a boyfriend, and he looked at me like I was a full on mental. Unfortunately for me, it turned out that HE was the full on mental. Uh-Oh!

22. I can remember the day I learnt to spell CIRCUMNAVIGATE, really, really clearly. I was at primary school, and felt like the smartest person ALIVE!

23. One time my mum basically made me go stalking Bryan Ferry with her. She denies this now of course (ohh yeah, just like that Roy Wood story!), but I remember it vividly; I was wearing wellies. And a boy showed me his shot gun. That’s not a euphemism, he was INSANE.

24. I have been called a groupie more times than I could count on fingers and toes. I am badly, definitely not. I have never slept with a famous person, but I have sniffed Bill Steers jacket. I don’t think that qualifies me somehow. Mostly I don’t even mind if people call me it, because, well, it’s not true. If someone wants to believe I am little more than the sum parts of who I fuck then they are erroneous, and that’s their look out.

25. I want to be a pop star.

Mick Kenney says:
did you tell him i did it?
Becky says:
YEAH! i told him all about your cloned cocks
Becky says:
stumpy
Mick Kenney says:
lol
Mick Kenney says:
OMG haha fuck off!
Mick Kenney says:
its not stumpy!

Honk Honk!
On Saturday, I am meeting Dazzle and Mickster, and we’re gonna get a Manzils. This will be my first ever one. And then we will go see Shane, and booze. Hard. I hope Darren is like old Darren and everything is fine and brilliant.
I got 200 CD’s delivered to work today. 200! I begged for a lift home, I badly couldnt carry them.

I hate that new Cadburys advert. I really, honestly loathe it. It makes me want to vomit.

I have no cooker now. I ate Cano’s. I can smell it now and that makes me want to vomit a bit too.

Of course I won’t, because I don’t do things like that.  

I like today. So far this week is about fifty times better than last week. I was the recipient of excellent customer service this morning. I now have my Blackberry back and my PDR went well. Hurrah!

I basically have a whole new outer case on my Blackberry and it makes me happy to look at. Also! It has new stuff on! I’m sure I never had Microsoft Word and Powerpoint on it before! I know I could open documents or whatever, but jebuss! Ohhh the internet! Back in my loving arms. Now, I have tiny cursor on my screen. I didn’t have that before! KJHDSWKJ!

And, my PDR was just excellent. I did probably go red and get flustered at one point, but telling the truth is well the best. And now I might even get a secondment. And did you know I get 50% off course fees?! I could be an actual student! Obviously not a rubbish one that does the Otley Run dressed as He-man. Probably a sophisticated one that wears polo necks. Having said that, I would well do the Otley Run given the chance. I believe Scatman John has done it. There is a chance I have made that up. Don’t include it with all the other invaluable pop facts I have distributed thus far. File it under “Potential Lie”.

I quite want to write about a Luella dress I saw in Style which is called Rebecca. But I can’t find a picture. It’s a good looking dress. Better looking than I am. However I am better looking today than I was yesterday, because I went and spent a fair amount of money on stuff! STUFF! Stuff and rum. I drank the rum in the bath. Whilst talking to Alan. But I will write about Alan another time, as he is too good to be an afterthought to rum.

My school motto was “To Thine Own Self Be True”. I am actually really good at being true to myself; I feel like I should tell someone. I dunno who though as I never hardly spoke to my headmaster, or deputy, so they wouldn’t care. My favourite teacher was Mr Varns, who I fancied a lotttttt, he didn’t even tell tales on me when I got drunk and went to one of his lessons at the end of term. I don’t think he would care that I adhere to Bishop Luffa C of E School’s motto. If he did care, I would probably like him to congratulate me by doing something filthy. Well, 16 year old me would have wanted that to happen. I am not so sure now. Mr Mercer was nice, but he was my maths teacher and I HATE MATHS, so that seems not the right thing to do. Mr Gutteridge was a paedophile, for actual real. Mr Greatorex reminds me of AA Gill, and therefore I am fearful he would rip me apart. I wish I had a proper significant teacher. The only one that comes close is Mrs Drynan from Primary school, but she’s now dead, from Cancer. She was very organised and had totally neat A4 ring binders; I aspire to her level of neat organisation. Thanks Mrs Drynan.

In five weeks today, I have a hot date. It is with a Fielding, not a Fieldhouse, and that is a good thing. Trust me.

Oh heck! I can’t wait for this weekend! Alsooo, we’re gonna release a fukpig album. Oh! Dear!

Olive2kje!! Has RUINED ME! By letting my peepers in on THIS TREAT!!!

Fuck me in the face! I want it so muchhhh!!!!!2UEHD! It’s £2,500. Ouchy! I bet I would love it more than Lily ever could. As I don’t have this, or £2,500, I will just be grateful for the Russian Dolls that David gave me on Friday night.

Whilst we’re lusting…. I might as well tell you about the half gloves. I am gonna go to town in a minute and see if these have reached Topshop yet. HURRY UPPPP.
Patricia Field is apparently half glove queen! I want metallics or black. Metallics because, well, gold and silver win. Except for the gold boots that crippled me on Friday night. They can fuggoff.
The black ones are ace, cos they look like you have just dipped your hands in..er.. oil. Yeah. That’s a good thing where I’m from. Right.
Imagine this, I have taken to wearing trousers. OK! I only did it once. But I could do it again. Imagine if I wore all black, but gold boots and THESE:

To be honest, I fancy myself just thinking about it.

I am retracting my statement from the other day about having a shit life. Soz! Fickle! Fuckle.

Today the music I have listened to the most has been Kylie Minogue and Electric Wizard. Kylie was sort of by mistake.. I wanted Duran Duran but I couldnt find that DVD. This is okay, I actually am a fan of many Kylie hits, but I have no idea why I have this DVD, I definitely don’t like her enough to purchase “Ultimate Kylie”.

It appears to be in chronological order, which is fine. However, it seems that they have missed one of her best/my favourite Kylie songs “Some Kind Of Bliss”. Oh shit! I forgot Robbie Williams existed for a bit. Right, Some Kind Of Bliss was that one she done with the Manic Street Preachers and mostly everyone except the NME, hated. It was really excellent though. And my other favourite (which is on this DVD) is Put Yourself In My Place. In the video she is in a space ship and does a zero gravity strip. I really like her make up in that. A zero gravity strip! Imagine that!!

At one point in her life, Kylie Minogue was described as “the worst actress in the English-speaking world”. ahahah!djhwqdh! Brilliant!

I dunno really if I know a whole lot about Electric Wizard. Well, not enough to be of any interest to write about. Oh haha interesting. I do know that Justin Greaves was in EW for a while, and he used to be in Iron Monkey and Hard To Swallow. And Peet Dandy was also in Hard To Swallow. I was thinking/talking about Peet last night and missing him a bit. He was really brilliant, I am a fan.

 James wants a cider with Dorrian, and a chat. I want in on that. I bet, apart from the black cloud, it’s well good being Lee Dorrian. I am going to learn all about him, and his label.

I find it equally charming and infuriating how simple boys are when it comes to not being able to mask their errr eagerness for sex. If only they knew that all they had to do was make a girl feel loved/lovable and she would melt. But despite all that, I still love you Jordan Catalano.

Yes, I just wrote that about him.

If everyone just did what was in their heart, the world would grind to a halt.
That’s what Angela Chase reckons. But she is weairng tapered jeans, and  not in a good way I reckon.

Right now I am on my sofa, in a sleeping bag, watching My So Called Life, listening to Electric Wizard with  a cat dozing on my chest. She’s actually half on my  right arm, which impedes my typing but I really like her, so I’ve not complained.

Last night was a really good gig. I felt bad when I got distracted by buffalo for a while, but nothing bad happened, I just missed half of Humanfly. I did win at Buffalo though. And the gig was just.. well good. We had more people in than I anticipated, which was good. Good good good. Oliver came to stay here, we done some nice chatting this morning. Oh goshhh a big black man banged his fists on my door this morning.

Chris, Matt and Andy. Those are the names of my soon-to-be step brothers, apparently.

This week has been really awful, I have cried a ridiculous amount, and been massively sad. I am glad the week ended well though. I dont have any big plans for this weekend, and that makes me feel OK. I am gonna clean my messy house, there is cocoa everywhere.
I am gonna talk books. I am gonna eat Dinner Box.

I am looking forward to having my feet squeezed.

I was going to leave work early today, but I cried at my desk and now I don’t want to get up and have people look at me. So I am just going to stay until they are all gone.

Apparently crying is just what girls do.

I definnnnnnitely thought I was better than that. But I am probably realising that I am not.

Just like I am starting to think I have been an idiot for thinking I am better than this job, and this life I currently have.

This is actually all I have got, so I should probably start making the most of it.

What a massive cock I have been.

Half gloves- I want some.

Hardly any photos seem to exist of Alice and I together. One time we were going to do our faces like Tegan and Sara. With a stripe. We never did though.
I love her so bloody much, I can’t even begin to tell you, so I will probably just type some nonsense and hope you comprehend.

Sometimes you meet someone right and it’s instant love and you think goshhh how could I live without them, and you can’t imagine life without them being there after you have only known them half an hour. That is definitely NOT what happened with Alice. I couldn’t stand internet-alice before I met her, I can’t even bring myself to type about how awful I thought she was, but it’s okay, I have told her. It seems like a betrayal to excellent-alice. And then I met her for proper, and she was… ok! I liked her, but I never thought gosh that there is my future best friend. We just ate pizza whilst Megadeth were talked about.

It has sort of snuck up on me a bit, but now I can’t hardly stand the thought of being without her. I probably take it quite for granted that, heels permitting, I could be at her house in about forty five seconds. In probably almost a year, not one week has gone by that we haven’t drunk a cider in each others company. I really like roasting tiny tomatoes for her because they make her dead happy, and she eats them right off the tray with her hands. When she goes to London for work, my days drag by well slowly, and I really miss her emails.

She definitely listens to me waffle more than anyone else ever, and for that I am grateful. She absorbs a lot of stuff I am sure. She is very quiet. And sometimes I feel like I should warn people that she is quiet, not grumpy. I think she really does just have one of them faces, Jamie. She is sometimes the opposite of quiet though when she is honking or singstarring. And she is like a fierce and tiny puppy sometimes when she does defending, like when she told Sara Lee Idiot that I wasn’t just SOMEONE! ahahajqhdqwjehajhajajahaha! best argument ever, you fucking cake cheaters.

She reckons she can’t work semi colons, but she can do spoonerisms, and that other one where you join words. She is smart and stylish and beautiful and jebbbbus I love her really hard. And one of the best things ever is that there is just NO DRAMA. Only one time ever have I been actually annoyed with her. She said Sorry, and I forgave her. It’s just easy peasy; we like each other.

Today she furnished me with unconditional love. It’s not like I don’t believe her, but it’s hard to comprehend. I reckon I believe her though…she is really supportive and loving, and she promised to never judge me even if one day I realise I like dolphins, and even if I enjoyed swimming with them. That is real, real true love.

I am well happy my parents love her too, and I cannot wait for our brilliant holiday together! We are the last people I can picture enjoying a holiday in Florida! The place is swarming with dophins and idiots. Dolphiots. We will have a go though, and Medieval World is gonna make my LIFE.

She is even starting to like prog. But I can’t claim the credit for that I don’t reckon.

Thanks Azzer.

Last night I went seriously wrong. If I am being stalked right now, which wouldn’t surprise me…. HII I stooped to your level! I googled your name which I have never done before, and I cried because I wanted to know when you were getting married and I don’t know the answerrrrrrrrr.

I looked on the Throne Records website/store for ages, and I coveted, yesss coveted the new Monarch record. I dreamt about them the night before, so I was thinking of them. It just looks beautiful. Due to the sadness I was feeling, I contemplated frivolity and frippery (!!) and though heck yes, I will buy it! Then sense prevailed: I don’t have a record player and I need to spend my money on life rather than records. £20! Yowch, but it looks beautiful. I tried to justify it by thinking maybe I could buy it for someone else who would just let me look at it whenever I like. I don’t think Alice likes Monarch so I will have to think of another birthday present for her.

Look at me avoiding the issue.

People say stuff they don’t mean all the time, and they take back promises often. That’s fine, I guess, in the grand scheme of things; people are bad shits, you just have to deal with it. But I cannot comprehend promising to love someone forever, unconditionally, and then taking that away. Being a parent is probably the biggest thing..in the world. What responsibility! When they don’t turn out quite how you hoped, or they don’t do exactly what you say, you can’t just get rid of them to get a new family! That’s not how it works. Someone should let ..people know that. Noone likes to be rejected, right, being rejected by a parent, sheeesh! I have never known pain like it.

Mostly this is dealt with, just this impending mystery marriage has made me think about it. It’s like the proper, proper end of things. There will be a whole new Laverty family in a few weeks. I wonder if he will adopt her kids? I am the only Laverty, just over here, on my own. My mum obviously remarried, my sister got married, my auntie doesn’t speak to me, my grandparents are dead. A tiny, lone speck of Laverty. It’s just a name, but I don’t really think I want it anymore. Shit off Laverty. Oghekjd! Am I having an identity crisis!? I refuse to have any kind of crisis. I certainly will not be bursting into tears on the phone anymore, what an absolute totally weakling idiot. Boo hoo hoo.

Can I actually just stress here, that my life is well good. I am not glum.. IN GENERAL. Nothing THAT bad has ever really happened to me. I remind myself of that constantly, in case I become to miserable and self indulgent. Seriously, telling yourself to snap out of it is the best thing you can do sometimes. It’s not like I don’t have a family, I do, they are just.. Weird, and disjointed. And I think that’s why the tears came last night because, wellll sometimes I just want to rub it all out and start again. I would probably love an actual home more than anything. A home town even. Once I told my mum that and she got well sad, and said she hoped I thought of her home as my home, wellll it’s not that easy is it. Also, I want to stress that I do LOVE my step dad a lot. He is dead, dead good. He is basically the smartest man I know, and I aspire to his level of organisation. Seriously, what a brilliant man!

Incidentally, if my father is reading this, I don’t want anything to.. happen. I just want to know what’s going on. Gosh! I will have three step brothers and not even know their names! How weird is that?!

In HAPPY news, I have a date! It is in six weeks, that is the downside, but I am assured it is worth the wait. Yerr, so this time in a mere six weeks I can just be a few inches away from one of my favourite faces in the world and that makes me pretty chuffed.